Mission Conference

Elder Uceda:

All week long we anticipated the arrival of Elder Uceda, when the day finally came the northern half of the mission gathered at Trophy Club to hear him speak. First, Sister Whitney spoke and then President Whitney spoke and at the end of his remarks he told us we'd recieve a training from the AP's and we'd hear from Elder Uceda after lunch.

After the training President Whitney was bearing his testimony on how important planning was when Elder Uceda was moved upon by The Spirit to relieve President Whitney of the microphone.

"Elders and Sisters, I love all of you. I prayed before I came here that I could love all of you before I saw you. And now, here I am and I love all of you so much more." He said lovingly with his Peruvian accent. 

Then without changing his tone at all his message changed drastically. "Elders, here is my message today: you are not good teachers. In fact you're all really awful." He motioned toward everyone in the room when he said that, even President Whitney. 

"Elders, all of you talk to much. I've seen your numbers, I know that most if not all of your investigators are not progressing. Why? Because none of you follow the Spirit. You are all either too nervous or prideful to listen to what the Spirit is telling you." He had gradually raised his voice until he was almost shouting. Then he softened his voice again. "Sisters, lovely sisters... keep up the good work!" Then he raised his voice, "Elders you're awful! When you pray you pray as heathens! You draw near to God with your lips but your hearts are far from him!" 

He continued to rip on us for 40ish minutes then he looked at the clock and told us we could break for lunch and then he would share what he had actually prepared.

We happily ate our lunch naïvely thinking the worst was behind us. Wrong. Very wrong.

We sat down in the chapel again and he picked up his microphone. He opted not to stand behind the pulpit so he could get closer to us. So he could get in our face.

For the next 3 hours he roasted every male in the room intermittently complimenting the women. I can't write down everything he said but here are a few highlights:

-"If any two of you Elders were my missionaries I never would have gotten baptized"

-"Not a single Elder in this room follows the Spirit"

-"I have here in these statistics that Sisters are 70% better at getting their investigator to read the Book of Mormon and 200% better at following the Spirit. Not surprising." 

-"If you think the number of baptisms is the most important number, you're un-Christlike." 

The weird thing is, he said all of it in a tone that kept us from being defensive. We completely agreed with everything he said and left there feeling like trash.

To quote Dwight Schrute: "Are you trying to hurt my feelings? If so, you have succeeded."

Where's B*******?:

On Wednesday we were supposed to have a lesson with B******* but when we knocked on his door some new guy answered and told us he was at work. Which was a total lie because B******** has Wednesdays off and we could see his car from where we were standing. We left dejected. We texted B******** apologized that we missed him and tried to reschedule but he called us 30 minutes later and informed us that he had been home all day. So we went over and once again the same guy answered and told us he was at work. I looked a little past the guy and saw Bienvenu walking down his hall. I called out to him and he let us in and we had our lesson. 

On Saturday we went to his house again to remind him about church. Once again the same guy answered and told us B******* was at work. Once again we saw B******* inside and called out to him. B******* yelled at the guy standing at the door to stop lying and to let us in. We told B******* we come over Sunday morning too, to remind him about church. 

Sunday morning a different guy answered, it was the 19 year old son of the guy that kept lying to us.

"Is B******* here?" We asked hoping the so' wouldn't follow his father's example.

"B-B*******? H-He's at um... work" he stammered with beads of sweat forming on his head.

"We'll see about that." Elder Alleman said motioning for me to call B*******.

The kid looked really nervous as I was trying to make the call. No answer.

We left, the kid looked relieved like he'd gotten away with his lie. But as we walked back Elder Alleman saw his car and rushed back to B*******'s door. He tried opening the door but it was locked. He pounded on the door and the kid answered, "Can I have some water?" He asked, the son went to grab a water bottle and Elder Alleman walked on in the house. I wasnt sure whether I should be impressed at his persistence or mortified at the fact   

that he was bullying this African kid. 

Elder Alleman took the water from him and starting asking, "Who's in this room?" 

"D-D*****." The kid said realizing that we were not leaving until we heard the truth

"Who's in this room?"

"E*****," 

"Who's in the bathroom?"

"D*****"

"You said D***** was in the bedroom, so which is it?"

The son was speechless and Elder Alleman threw open the door, someone that was probably B******* was asleep in there. 

Elder Alleman was about to wake the guy up when D**** walked out of the bathroom.

He said a few words to us in French but all I understood was "I like your suits and your haircuts" and we left. 

Elder Alleman gave me the translation as we left, B******* had been up until 6 and we were not allowed to wake him up.